Sunday, July 8, 2012

I Need More Than a Band-Aid

Each day over the last eight years that I have been a nurse, before I get out of the car to walk into the hospital I say a prayer.  I basically ask God to give me wisdom and judgement, intuition from Him, to help me pay attention to vital signs, notice if my patient's condition changes, call the doctor when I need to, don't forget to do anything or say anything that I need to, and most importantly as far as my patient's are concerned- please God NO CODES!!!  For those of you who do not work in a hospital, this is just me asking God to keep my patient's alive, heart beating, and breathing while they are under my care (unless of course, they have "permission" to die from having a Do Not Resuscitate order).

I also like to ask God to please keep my family safe through the day.  

Frequently, my job presents me with the task of dealing with challenging people.  This includes my patients, their families, and occasionally my coworkers.  Some time ago, I realized that having to handle situations with these people on a daily basis was making me have a really bad attitude about my work.  After dwelling in it for a long time with little improvement in my attitude, I began to add a new part to my pre-work prayer.

I began asking God to help me see these people through His eyes and love them the way He does.  I ask God each day to please not let me say anything hurtful about anyone.  I really, truly do not want to do this.  I do not want to be a mean person.  I want to be nice to everyone.  I even realize that when I open my mouth, I am ultimately making myself look bad.  Most importantly though, I know that when I do make these comments, I am not reflecting that I am a Christ follower in any way, shape, or form.  

But, I do it anyway.

Why is this such a struggle for me?  Some say that when people say bad things about others it is because it makes them feel better about themselves.  I know that is not why I do it, because it sure does make me feel like crap after I say it.   I know that I do easily get wrapped in to negative conversations sometimes.  That is such an easy way to just let words fly out of my mouth.  Why do I want anyone else to hear those bitter words though?  Words that I would never say directly to that person.  Words that I am ashamed of. 

But, I do it anyway.

I recently asked God, Why?  Why do I ask you to not let me say these words and I still do?

He woke me in the middle of the night with the answer.  It is really quite simple.  

If He were to simply help me not say those words, that would just be putting a bandaid on the real problem.  And, this problem needs much more than a bandaid.  It needs a heart transplant.

The real problem is my heart.  Where is my heart for God?  I can't ask God to help me love these people like He loves them, if I am not loving God the way I want to, need to, and have been called to.

So, I now know what is the ultimate solution to my problem.  I kind of knew it before, but for reasons I don't understand, I have been pretending like everything was okay between God and me.   

I know I have not been surrendering everything to Him.  I have not been giving Him my whole heart.  

When I do this, I know that more than just my problem of having a big mouth will be solved.  

I don't know why it is so hard to give it all to God.  I certainly trust God.  But, I distance myself from Him sometimes.  

I pray that I don't do this anymore.  I pray that I give Him my whole heart and make Him my first love.  When I do this, I won't have to worry about saying things that I shouldn't say, because I won't be thinking them!!!  That is the amazing part of all this.  When you surrender everything to God and give Him your heart, you will truly love others the way He does!!  When you love others the way He does, you see them much differently than before.  You even love those that you already love differently.  You love your friend, your husband or wife, and your children in a new way!  When God is your first love, you love your other loves even more! 

I'm not saying that I am there yet, but I now know what I need to do.  I just need to give God my heart, and let Him do the rest.  




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