What Do I Wish I Could Tell My Teenage Self?

Wow….

The answer to this question in two words is A LOT!

I'm not normally one that likes to talk about my birthday when it is coming up, but this year I am finding myself talking about it quite a bit.  I guess because it is a big one!  Yes, I will say it again- I am going to be the BIG 3-0!  Very soon!!!  So, in honor of this big date that is quickly approaching I am going to be really dramatic and devote this blog post to my "younger years."  More specifically, about a time that is, without a doubt, the most pivotal of my life. The teenage years.  When I think about my teenage years, it seems like they went on forever.  It seems so crazy to me now that it was only a six year period of time, yet it seems like such a huge chunk of my life.  Everything seemed to be such a big deal back then.  I took everything so seriously and so personal.  I did a lot of learning the hard way.  I did a lot of things that I am not proud of.  I often ponder the strong emotions that surround the memories of this time.  Oh how I wish I could've known just a few things then that I know now.  I was thinking about all of these things on my way to work this afternoon, so I decided that maybe I should make a list.  A list of the things that I would tell my teenage self, if that were actually possible.  Who knows, maybe this list might help Lily one day.  I especially hope she reads number 1!!!   :o)~

So here goes…

1.  Listen to your mother!  She might really know what she is talking about.  She loves you so much.  Even if it seems like she is keeping you in prison by not letting you do all those things that seem so important right now, she just wants to protect you from yourself.  She has learned what is really important in life and just wants you to open your eyes and see these things, instead of blindly falling into a dangerous pit.  She wants to be your friend, but she knows that she must do what she has to do to keep you safe first.  She sees the big picture of life.  Save yourself some trouble and learn the easy way!  Don't forget to take the time to tell her how much you love her and thank her for loving you so much.  Even if you don't feel the need to do this now, you will soon.  Trust me!

2.  Humble yourself.  You are not the only person in this world.  The world does not and should not revolve around your wants and needs.  While you may think that life is all about you, it is not.  I know that the things in your life seem like a really big deal right now, but many of them really are not in the whole scheme of life.  There is really no other way to say it.  Don't take things so seriously, because what you are worried about now, really is not that important.  I know you are hormonal, but really, you do not need to cry over everything.

3.  While you do need to be humble, you also need to love and respect yourself and your body.  Take care of yourself.  You deserve it.  Love and respect yourself enough now to avoid doing those things that you have been warned that you will regret one day.  Because you will.  You know what those things are.  The people that you are trying to keep up with and be like, will probably also regret what they are doing one day.  You will thank your 30 year old self one day if you just use your brain, actually think about the real consequences of your actions (they do happen and they will happen to you), and practice some self control.

4.  Don't ever forget that God made you to be exactly who you are.  You do not need to spend, rather waste, the enormous amount of time you do trying to be someone that you are not, to impress someone that really doesn't care.  I know this sounds cliche, but really, you are who you are.  Be yourself.  If people do not like you and you have not given them any reason to not like you, then that is their problem.  You will never, ever please or impress everyone, no matter how hard you try.  And, that is okay.  So, instead of worrying about saying the right things and acting a certain way, just simply be nice and respectful to everyone.  Treat others with respect, no matter how they treat you, and you will earn the respect you want so much!

5.  Don't rush this time away!!!  I know you want to grow up so bad, but enjoy being young and carefree.  You are at a beautiful age where you can have and express your own opinions, go to work, earn money, buy your own things, but still come back home at night and know that your mom and dad are still there to baby you if you need it.  I know it seems like you are stressed out a lot, but try your best to put that stuff in perspective.  Most of it is not stuff you really need to worry about.  It will all work itself out in time.  Relax, lighten up, and have fun!

6.  Friends…. Accept the fact now that most will move on and you will not be BFF's forever.  I know this is a sad concept, but people change.  You will change.  Things just change.  There will be a few special people that you will stay in touch with though.  They will be the ones that love you for who you are and do not try to get you to do things that you don't feel comfortable doing.  These are the ones that respect you.  Quality definitely beats out quantity when it comes to friends.  Please, just remember this.

7.  I would love to tell you not to worry about finding a husband when you are in high school, but you will!  Yes, you will!  He will be your best friend, your confidant.   I will tell you though to respect him and your future marriage enough to save the things that are meant for marriage until the time comes.  If you do this, there will be no regrets.

So, these are the most important things that I wish I could tell my teenage self from my 30 year old perspective.  Funny thing is, most of them remain true now.  I still need to remind myself of a few of these on a daily basis.  I know that everything I went through, or rather, put myself through, helped mold me into who I am today.  For this I am mostly thankful, but I do wish I could have been a bit wiser during those years.  I am so fortunate to have those special people in my life, like my mom, and many other family members and friends that were there to nudge me in the right direction when I needed it most.  I thank God for you all :o)

Now it's your turn!  What would you tell your teenage self?!

Change of Life...

Although my 30th birthday is less than a week away, and I am getting older- the title of this post isn't meant to mean that change of life :o)  But, change is right around the corner for my family and me.   Like during other times of significant change, I have have been feeling a roller coaster of emotions the past several weeks.

For those of you that don't know me well, I am a nurse on a medical floor of our local hospital.  I have worked all kinds of crazy 4, 8, and 12 hour, day, evening, and night shifts, as well as a ton of weekend shifts over the past several years in an effort to stay home with my sweet babies as much as possible.  It has been worth every minute of it.  I currently am staying home with them during the day and working late into the evening several nights a week.  This has worked out wonderfully since Caleb was born and am very grateful that I did not have to put him in daycare when he was itty bitty.

That is not to say that I did not consider doing so though.  Yes, I almost made a major change several months ago.  When I was on maternity leave with Caleb, I was looking at job openings one day and I saw that a job I had been eying for literally years was open again!  I knew that this job would be full time and primarily day shift, which could be a great thing.  However, it would also mean daycare/preschool for my kids.  I had mixed feelings from the beginning since my sweet boy was only nine weeks old at this time.  But, it really was my dream job!!!!!  I knew that if I were to get this job, I would be right where I wanted career wise.  So, I knew I owed it to myself to at least apply.  I took the plunge and applied for it and got an interview.

I anxiously went to the interview and it must have gone well because I received a phone call with a job offer!  I was so excited!  This was the job that all my "extra curricular" nursing activities for the past seven years had been preparing me for.   I had worked so hard to do things to "beef" up my resume for this chance!  It all had finally paid off.  I immediately accepted the job.

Then, it was time to face the reality that I would have to be gone from my sweet babies much more than I wanted.  I started wondering, did I make the right decision to take this job?  What was I thinking?  I wasn't really worried about Lily because she is my social butterfly.  I knew she would love going to preschool and playing with friends all day long.  It was my little man that I didn't want to have someone else snuggle with all day.  My heart was broken just thinking about it.  He was so little.  Then, I got to thinking about that awesome job that I wanted so bad, and I felt better about it for awhile.  I was utterly torn.  I did everything I could think of to justify me taking this job.  I weighed the pros and cons a million times.  Then the sleepless nights started.  Luckily, I was still on maternity leave and Caleb was waking up every few hours to eat anyway, but I still just stayed up worrying about the situation every night for almost a week.  Then, I thought if this is the right thing to do, why am I loosing so much sleep?

One especially anxious night,  I gave up on sleep at 2am and decided to just stay up to clean the entire house before Lily woke up.  I guess I tend to embrace the good thinking time that comes during the wee hours of the morning while scrubbing a toilet…  So, after much deliberation and even some tears, I called my boss bright and early that morning.  I asked her if I could keep my job even though I had already resigned.  Thankfully she said of course I could.  So, it was time to make the next phone call.  It was time for me to call someone that I knew I was going to love working for, doing my dream job and tell her than I could no longer follow through.

She was incredibly understanding.  I am so grateful for having the opportunity to meet her and really hope that maybe one day I will get another chance at that job, or a similar one.  I have to say that I felt a huge sense of relief when I finally made the decision to not take the job.  It just wasn't the right time.

So, that was what happened last fall.  I, of course, went back to work at my current job.  Like I said I have been able to spend almost every morning with my loves.  I know I am so fortunate to have been able to do that.  That is not to say that I have not thought about what life would have been with the dream job at least a hundred times.  But, like one of my friends recently reminded me "The right decision, at the wrong time, is the wrong decision."

There are a few little problems with my current situation though.  The biggest- I'm just physically tired.  I know I'm a wimp sometimes when it comes to sleep,  but I really love sleep!  The days I work are really long.  I wake up to feed Caleb usually around 5, then sometimes fall back into a light sleep until it is time to get up for good with Lily usually between 6:30-7.  I chase them around all day then go run up and down the halls of the hospital all evening.  By the time I get home from work, shower, and wind down it is usually at least 1:00 before I can fall asleep, then it all starts again.  While it has definitely been worth it, like I said I'm just tired.  Okay, so there is my pity party- sorry!

Next, Lily is definitely ready for preschool.  She talks about it all the time.  She loves other children so much and is always asking when she will be able to go to school.  I know she is going to love it.  My original plan was to wait until this fall and then try to change my schedule to dayshift because I really didn't see the point in sending her to preschool three mornings a week and me still staying up late working.  I might as well work while she is at school, right?

So, my good friend Lynn at work, who is so sweet to look after me and my scheduling wants and needs, called me a couple of weeks ago.  She said that my wonderful boss decided that I can have dayshift now if I want it!  If I don't want it now though, it could be a really, really long time before I might be able to get it.  So, it was time to make another decision.  Do something that may make my life a little easier but involve leaving my babies a little more, or not and stay doing what I am doing.  While I have still been a little uneasy about the decision, I do have much more of a peace about it this time than I did last time.  I think it basically has to do with the fact that my sweet boy, while still a baby, is not itty bitty like he was.  I know he will be ok.

So, starting in a few weeks, after a lot of thought and prayer, I made the decision that we will all embark on a new adventure.  They will be going to daycare/preschool three days a week and I will be working during that time…  I'm so happy for my sweet girl because I know she is ready and will learn so much and have a great time.  I'm happy for both of them because I truly believe they will benefit from having more people to care for them, learn from, and I know they will grow to love them also.  I'm happy for me because I will be on a more normal schedule and should be able to get a better sleep routine started.  I'm happy that I will have more time to focus on my career, which is very important to me.  I am sad though.  Sad that I will not see them quite as much.  Sad at the thought that I might (and probably will) miss something new, fun, and important…  I'm excited though because I think it will overall be the best thing for each of us.  At least, I hope and pray so…

So, I just thought I would share the changes in my life as it is right now.  While I will quickly say that staying in my current job, even on dayshift, is not my dream job, I am very grateful that I have it right now.  I have the privilege of working with some pretty amazing people.  I know that practicing as a nurse is another way I get to contribute to our family.  It allows me to contribute financially.  It provides a sense of balance in my life.  It is also a way that I can use my education and skills, that I have worked so hard to gain, to really make a difference in someone else's life.  I pray the right decision was made.  Change is so scary sometimes.  I guess change is eventually inevitable…we just get to choose to embrace it, or not…  I choose to do so, this time!